As a new 38 year old today.
I’m feeling pretty scared for myself.
I’m struggling to have a meaningful life of any kind.
My existence in this agoraphobic fuck-hole of life.
I’m fighting suicide in what feels like 8 hour intervals. This last year and a half. My dad death, my mom’s bad cancer.
I feel like there’s gun and is Russian roulette.
I don’t want to be depressed on my birthday.
I’m gonna maybe sleep it off overnight and tomorrow I can be happy that at least my mom is 4 weeks over her final chemo. That I’m alive. That I have a roof over my head. And that there still time to work on myself on mental health. And to give myself today as a day to be celebratory that I’m a person living on earth today.
That’s a very difficult order to fill in my brain. But I want to try today. To have a start to happy 38. I’ve hated too many birthdays in my life.